The Facts of Life

A couple of months ago, Dan was driving around with the kids in the car doing errands, while I was at home eating bon-bons and working on my tan. Naturally.

When they got home, Dan nonchalantly mentioned that essentially Ben asked where babies come from, but not to worry because he "totally handled it". Immediately I panicked, for two reasons.

1) Ben is not yet even 5 years old. I was fairly convinced that this subject wouldn't even cross his mind for like 10 more years. This means that we've greatly underestimated his curious little brain by not planning any age-appropriate responses as of yet. How could we let this happen! People, may I remind you that this is what I went to school for? I mean, not specifically to explain sex to children, but I went to school to understand their little brains. My  Early Childhood Education courses really could be renamed, "how to explain things to kids in an age-appropriate manner". It should be noted that I got A's in all of these courses.
2) Dan & I handle things quite differently when it comes to this stuff. I tend to use my E.C.E. voodoo magic and redirect the conversation (some might label this "avoidance"), and Dan tends to tackle things head on, even if he doesn't have a plan.

So here's how his impromptu sex-ed conversation unfolded.

(Um, and for the record- NO, I AM NOT PREGNANT)


Ben: Daddy, I think that Mommy is going to have another baby sometime.
Dan: You do? Why do you think that?
B: I just do. I think that she is gonna get a baby in her tummy soon.
D: Well, it doesn't really work that way, buddy. Mommies & Daddies have to want a baby- they don't just magically appear in Mommy's tummy.
B: Does God put the baby in Mommy's tummy?
D: Well, yes. Sort of. But Mommy & Daddy have a big role in it as well.
B: Like what? What do you do?
D: Well, Bud. There's a special hug that Mommy & Daddy do to make a baby.
B: Oh.
D: Yup. It's called the "marital embrace".
B: Ohhhhhhhh. I see. Do you like, put one arm around her neck, and Mommy puts her arm around your back?
D: Uh, sure Buddy. There's lots of ways to do it, but that's certainly one way to do it.

You see? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I'M NOT THERE TO CONTROL THE SITUATION!

When I gave Dan a hard time about this interaction (and by "hard time", I mean that I shrieked a lot and used his full birth name), he wanted to know what I would have done differently.

Aside from EVERYTHING, I said, "Dan, if Ben wanted to know about where babies come from, I probably would have told him they are a miracle, and therefore an inexplicable mystery. And then I would have changed the subject to Star Wars and trucks."

So, um.....who's got a good book on explaining where babies come from for me us to borrow?

Reading Between the Lines

In my mind, if a new wine aerator arrives on your doorstep just minutes before lunch prep begins, clearly it is a sign that God wants you to have a wine break with lunch. So that's what I'm doing. After all, it is Lent, and I wouldn't want to be disobedient. And who knew a glass of aerated wine would go so nicely with carrots & turkey slices, anyway?

In other news: Thank God I didn't give wine up for lent. Because then this would be a terribly tempting and ultimately disappointing afternoon.

Current Events

When I was in junior high, I distinctly remember my best friend at the time posing one of life's most thought-provoking questions:
"Okay, if you HAD to choose-- like if your life depended upon choosing-- would you pick Charlie Sheen or his brother, Emilio Estevez?" (Note: when you're about 13, to "pick" a guy basically means: who would you fall in love with, marry, and then buy a house and have lots of babies with).

There was a long pause as I carefully considered my choices. There was much to weigh; both teen heart throbs, both entertaining actors, both quite rich. Heck, I'm not sure there was a "wrong" choice. But something about Charlie- the cool name, the darker hair, the rebellious image- it all screamed my name.

And so, much to the shock of my junior high best friend, I had to follow my heart and go with Charlie.

Fast forward twenty years to the Charlie Sheen of today, and the unpleasant train wreck that inevitably follows him and his "tiger blood". I think you know where I'm going with this.

So Melissa, if you're out there, I'd like to take this opportunity and officially change my Estevez brother selection. And I don't want to push the envelope here, but I'll go ahead and say: 2011 is going to be all about Emilio Estevez. Shame on you, Charlie. The 13 year old in me is raining on the inside.