48 Months

Dear Ben,


Last week you turned a whopping four years old. This might not sound old to some people, but when you think of it in terms of months, 48 months seems like an eternity that we've somehow managed to keep you alive, safe, healthy, and mostly happy. That's also a lot of months that we've stumbled around, experimented with our rookie parenting skills (flashback age 14 months: "we should definitely be giving him whole milk for calcium," and then,  at 15 months: "whoopsies, whole milk makes him constipated. We should definitely NOT give him whole milk anymore", etc.), and because you don't know any different, you just go along with it. I'm sorry that in an effort to perfect our parenting, you've been subject to our methods of trial and error.


As I think over the last year that we've spent with you I'm forced to admit that it hasn't been the easiest year. Your third year on earth kicked our butts and was by far more difficult than two. Although in your defense, perhaps you think that me being 31 was far more difficult than 30. I think we both got smarter, and both seem to have a will of iron, and when we butt heads, things can get a little tense around here. Whoever coined the phrase, "terrible twos" obviously never met you, because being three meant you having so much more vocabulary and so many SPECIFIC IDEAS about the way things should be. I feel like I've just barely recovered from your birth, let alone the last 12 months of the three year old woes.


And yet, here we are. 48 months later.

Since I've always been terrible at the whole baby book entry thing, and since my memory consistently fails me, initially I wanted this blog to keep record of your hilarious everyday-isms. I wanted a place I could record & preserve memories and have something to look back on that would always simultaneously make me smile and cry. Because you do that to me, did you know? I can be so fed up and angry with you one minute, and then the next I'm practically in tears when you surprise me by cleaning your room or picking me flowers from the yard. There's so much to say about this last year, all the ways you've changed, so I thought I'd highlight some of my thoughts about YOU:

• You are incredibly passionate about...well, everything. I'm serious. Sometimes you are pretty much ruled by "the passions" (as I affectionately refer to them). I've honestly never seen a young child love so deeply, hurt so deeply, fear so deeply, rejoice so deeply. This makes for one intense little person, and though it comes with its TREMENDOUS challenges, I can honestly say that I cannot wait to see what you are going to do with your life, what you will choose to be when you grow up. You are going to be amazing, my little man. You are literally capable of anything.

• You love girls, especially brunettes. I thought this was something I didn't have to worry about for another 10 years or so, but there you go! Keeping me on my toes again! The object of your affection changes on a daily basis, but you do have a few favorites. I'm not really prepared to handle this yet, so usually I just downplay it an say things like, "Yes, Ben. She seems like she's a really special person who has a really kind heart." You adore your babysitter and since she's a student at the highschool where Daddy teaches, sometimes you just pull out the yearbook and find pictures of her and stare....for a long time. When you see a pretty girl, you will do anything within your power to get her attention. You already ignore me calling your name if there's a pretty girl in the room. I have a feeling this is not going away anytime soon, so I realize your dad & I should probably come up with a better strategy. But for now, I'm encouraging you to get some more guy friends. Trust me, girls are nothing but trouble.
• You absolutely love music of all kinds. From sitting for hours at the piano playing and singing your little heart out to rocking out in the living room mimicking John Mayer to impersonating your daddy conducting a choir, a good chunk of your day is devoted to music. This makes us giddy with delight.
• You recently fell in love with Star Wars. I'm sure this was inevitable, and although you've actually never SEEN one of the movies, you are a pro with the Light Saber. Your moves are quite impressive, really.

• You sort of stole one of Ella's baby dolls that she received after she was born and we haven't really had the heart to tell you who the rightful owner is. I don't know what it is about this little cloth squishy doll, but you love her and take care of her on a daily basis and sleep with her every night and feed her and put her down for naps and shush me when I'm being too loud for fear of waking the baby. Also, it should be noted that you named this baby girl all by yourself: Harry.
• You suffer terribly from eczema (that would be my genes, sorry about that). I'm so sorry, buddy. We're trying to do everything we can do make it more manageable, but your skin is splotched with itchy red patches and it just tears me up seeing you scratching or seeing the aftermath of blood on your sheets from you scratching in your sleep. It also breaks my heart when I hear you tell your peers things like, "That? Oh that's just my eczema. It's just dry skin. Mommy has to put hydro-cortisone ointment on it to make it better." 
• Christmas this last year was incredible. You really got it this year, and it made the holiday 1,000 times more exciting for Daddy & I. The magic of the season had you completely mystified and seeing the wonder in your eyes is something I'll never forget. For the first time, you actually willingly sat on Santa's lap AND held sissy's hand when she panicked. Seeing that big brother gesture of comforting Ella melted our hearts and made me realize that was probably one of many more instances to come where you would be there for your baby sister when she needed you. 

• In the fall, you'll be going to preschool two mornings a week for the very first time! If there's one thing I learned about your year as a three year old, it was KEEP THAT BOY BUSY! I'm hoping this is a wonderful change for both of us. I can't wait to see you thrive in that environment- you've practically begged for it, my little socialite. Once again, stay away from those girls. I mean it.
• Every now and then when I walk out of my room your big blue eyes light up and you say something like, "OH MOMMY! You look SO FANCY! You're pretty, Mommy!" I never know exactly what prompts that statement, but you have no idea how much it means to me. A compliment is a compliment, even from a three year old. Keep it up.

Mama loves you, and I am praying this year is full of tremendous growth, learning, curiosity, empowerment, laughter, and a whole heck of a lot of love. You will always be extra special to me because you are my first born; you made me a mommy! Let's make four really great okay? And be patient with mommy, it's really hard to be a parent.

We are trying so hard to do our best, but as I've said a million times: Parenting: it's the best thing I've ever done. But it's the hardest. 

My sweet boy, as hard as its been, you are the best thing I've ever done.


xoxoxo