It's a Good Thing He's Cute Because There Sure Won't Be A Whole Lot Else To Stare At...

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"Babe, I think we should downgrade our satellite TV package," he says to me. "You know, go down to the cheaper package. Cut our bill in half".

Sounds like an okay idea in theory, right? We're all making sacrifices these days, and this one seems painless enough. So we'll downgrade! No biggie! We'll lose what?- 10 channels, right? Who cares, we don't need 14 sports channels , 20 home shopping channels and 8 history channels anyway! What's the big deal? Let's save money! Great idea, right?

Wrong. So completely wrong.

It all sounds like an okay idea until one does their research and discovers that satellite TV companies are not idiots, and they've spent millions of years (or at least several decades) learning how to manipulate the innocent consumer, and trick them into paying ridiculous amounts of money for 1,000 channels- 990 of which are absolute crap. And while downgrading would, in fact, cut our bill in half (apparently Dan did his research, too), we would also lose every fluff channel I've ever committed to and had strong feelings for over the years. Those fluff channels are the ones that ever so sweetly come to me in the evening, throw a lei around my neck, place a fruity drink with a paper umbrella toothpick in my hand, paint my toenails pink, gently fan my face and whisper, "come with us. We'll take you away from all your cares, your problems, your stress. Come with us, and reeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaax." I mean, what's a girl to do?And while we're on the subject, where is my satellite TV a la carte menu option? Anyone? You know... a little Bravo here, maybe a little Comedy Central there. Why does this not exist yet, and could someone please get on this?

When Dan laid this whole package-downgrade-business all out on the table the first time around, I'm pretty sure I laughed right there in his face. Me? Get rid of my treasured Top Chef? And Project Runway? And the secret dabbling I do in the world of Jon & Kate Plus 8? (Complete train wreck, and I can't not watch. What the heck happened to those people, anyway??! Those poor kids? And will someone please tell Kate that surely her hair scares animals and small children?) And don't even make me discuss losing my Stephen Colbert. Losing him means losing my main source for news. That's right, people. I prefer to get most of my news updates from The Colbert Report. SO WHAT?! I just can't be bothered with all that anger and violence and tragedy that the news otherwise bombards us with. Getting news from Stephen allows me to sleep at night AND avoid nightmares and biting my nails out of pure nervous anticipation for earthquakes or terrorists or the world to end. So when something works, you just go with it.

So naturally I kicked and screamed over this one. A grown woman throwing a temper tantrum is not something to be especially proud of- in fact, it was definitely not my finest moment. But there was much at stake here, and very little time for peaceful discussions, what with all this crazy talk that husband of mine was throwing around. And he was consistent- this was not something that would be swept under any rug, bringing it up oh....EVERY DAY. There was even talk about....get this....getting rid of the TV altogether! The nerve! The horror! But I held my ground. I was stubborn. I WAS NOT GOING TO LOSE THIS BATTLE! I was desperately trying to buy time. I'd respond with answers like, Oh, I'm just shopping around, babe. Trying to gather my facts.
OR,
Sweetie, I just really want to look into all of this in full detail. Give me a few more days to ponder.

But inside, I was panicking.

And then I woke up yesterday, and had an unusually rare (and completely unintentional) moment of clarity. Because, here's the thing: Dan doesn't ask much of me. Honestly, other then the occasional "can you please take my shirts to the dry cleaners", I don't know the last time he really really kept nagging me about anything with such conviction. And what it really boiled down to was....am I this much of a weakling? Have I become this dependent? A slave to the boob tube? Do a couple of cable television shows have such a hold on me that I can't even imagine dwelling- dare I say LIVING- in a world where they no longer exist? I'm a creative gal! What ELSE can I do with myself in the time slots that Top Chef and Project Runway have dominated for the last several years?

Wow, turns out there's lots of things I can be doing. Scrabble. More blogging. Working out. Baking. Organizing. Cleaning. Sewing. Corresponding. Make lists. Shop. Write in the kids baby books. Decorate. Read. Pray. Take a bath. Listen to music. Entertain. RELAX. Pillow talk with my husband. And by golly, he's cute! I might just need to stare at him for a little bit longer here to soak it all in...wow, it's really been a while since I've really looked at him. It's nice.

Or....I can just access & watch all of my lost shows online! PHEW! That was getting terrifying for a moment there! All is not lost after all.

As per usual, there is a bright side and shiny silver lining to all of this, fortunately: NO MORE STAR TREK! No more science fiction-y types of shows of any kind! Just thinking about not hearing Captain Kirk in the background is already rebuilding thousands of brain cells I've lost over the years. And no amount of beaming him up can bring him back to this house anytime soon.